Some may have noticed that I have not done much posting here over the past month. The fact is that I have been busy with certain other chores in my life and have not had as much time to write as I might prefer. It is unlikely that situation will change any time soon. However there have been other factors involved in my inability to produce as many articles as I would like. The bottom line is that I have been having serious problems in determining the proper focus for this blog or what at any one time I should be writing. Until I am able to get that focus right it is likely that the articles posted within this blog will always be all over the place and yet not be particularly effective in communicating anything worth while. If a few of my readers do like my articles and believe that they have been worth while, that is good, but I have my own doubts on the subject.
What I do know is that I have had through out most of my life a significant problem in finding the proper relationship between the interior aspects of my life and my more exterior desires to communicate with others what I hope – perhaps vaingloriously – I have learned. I have certainly had that problem in the relationship between my long term life time desire to have a role in effecting this world politically for the better and my deeply held religious impulses and convictions. What religious impulses and practical spiritual knowledge that I think that I have has tended to draw me in toward a devotional relationship, a centering, and an obedience to God / Thea. On the other hand my tendency to wish to effectively struggle for a more utopian, socialistic / kingdom of God politics has tended to drive me out toward an engagement with the world in which I seldom have had much real impact. My political drives have always seemed to have been too minoritarian to have any effect. Because of the conflicting nature of these two drives, the exterior moving political drive and the interior moving religious drive, neither drive seems to have had the necessary energy needed
Recently it has seemed that I have been moving in the right direction because I have become increasingly emotionally and intellectually aware of how utterly impossible my hopes of making even small difference in the political world has been. Thus I have been moving in a much more disciplined and practical spiritual direction and increasingly skipping the politics for which I am increasingly seeing myself as ill suited. This is of course quite depressing because I have spent so much of my life on the subject.
However a problem exists because even within the broad area of religion and spirituality there is a conflict between the more purely spiritual devotional aspect of religion and the more exterior action oriented aspects of it. There is the one aspect which knows that it needs, as the saying goes, to get ones heart right with God. This would of course entail a deep heart felt devotionalism directed to Thea / God. It would give its whole heart, as Jesus said, to loving God with ones whole strength, mind, and soul. For a while at least it would require the dedication and commitment of a monk or a religious fanatic. The other impulse is the horizontal impulse, the missionary impulse to spread the word of the kingdom or help develop the movement which honors Gods name. The problem is that while I hope that both of these impulses are from God they again can conflict. Ones ego can easily get hung up on the activist role of which the desire to write about what one thinks that one knows can interfere with the more necessary inner spiritual struggle / jihad. This certainly has been happening within my own self and I know that I need to struggle to make my life one in which the inner struggle to be submissive to Thea’s immediate practical will takes a clear precedence over the more exterior building impulse. Unless I can do this nothing will work anyway
My suspicion is that few who read this post will have any idea what I am talking about. I doubt that many are as divided as I am and thus they do not experience these types of inner division between impulses. To be clear I hope to limit my exterior work of which this blog is a key part in future months so that I can get a much better focus on the interior religious life. What energy I have left I will dedicate to my writing projects, but my first priority has to be toward the struggle to correct the interior. As a result I doubt that I will be doing as much writing here as in the past for a good while.